My wish for all of my friends out there is for more peaceful and joyful moments in 2014. Only in sobriety can we genuinely experience these moments. Be proud of YOU and remember that with each sober breath you take, you are giving yourself the most precious gift.
An added bonus: remembering last night and starting the new year without a hangover!!!
My intentions are to judge less, look at the positive, take more deep breaths, trust my gut and STAY SOBER! Yeah baby!
I have been sitting on this awkward moment of peer pressure for two months now, having to continuously brush it off. Apparently, I need to write about it. So here it goes.
It was a picture-perfect holiday gathering of friends. A gorgeous home on the lake, with a crackling fire and glowing x-mas tree. You could hear laughter from all corners, as we stuffed our bellies with warm, homemade lasagna and watched the children play with exciting toys they had never seen before. A few of the sticky-fingered rascals were repeatedly sneaking colorfully frosted sugar cookies from the table, devouring them one by one. One of the little bastards was licking just about every item and then putting it back on the table for unsuspecting fools to enjoy. Vowing to avoid the gooey bounty and stick with my water, my husband and I were sitting at the table, enjoying the night.
I will admit that although this was a party thrown by a close friend, I was still a little nervous to confront the whole “alcohol thing” once again. Shit, you would think I was a newbie. At six years sober, I would expect it to be a little easier. I’m not sure that ever completely goes away, though. I was also nervous to talk to some of her friends because I can never remember who I know from where, what their names are or what “memories” we might share. I used to see most of them when I was drunk, I think. Nevertheless, that is a challenge I continuously have to deal with in many situations.
My anxiety was on the mid-scale this evening, which I considered to be definitely doable. I was excited to see my friends, so I rose to the challenge.
My friend’s husband was the catalyst for the awkwardness. And it went something like this…
Friend: “Hey, Chrystal, do you want some champagne?”
Wtf?! Did he forget that I am sober? Awkward…oh well.
Friend:“I’ve got lots of champagne here.”
Me:“No, really, I’m good. Thanks.”
Is he for real? Ahhhhh….he must be drunk. That explains it. I think.
My husband:(intervening) “She’s good.”
Friend: “Oh, come on. I can get you a different drink. What do you like?”
My husband: “No, she’s fine. Thanks.”
Am I seriously being peer pressured right now? I’m officially offended. How does he not remember? I’m defined by my sobriety! Heart rate elevating…
Friend:“I can make a blah, blah, blah, we have this and that… Have a drink.”
Damage control. Need damage control. Fight or flight initiating in one…two…
My husband: “No, she’s fine.” (Trying to change the subject somehow…)
Friend: “You sure you don’t want some champagne?”
OK. I need to get the F#@k out of here.
My husband: “How many hints do I have to give you, man? (With a light-hearted chuckle) She’s not drinking.”
He dropped it and carried on his merry way. And the night continued on without a hitch.
That moment seemed like an eternity to me. The way I felt inside, I would assume would compare to how a kid in highschool would feel to be pressured to do drugs with the cool kids. I can’t totally relate here, because I would just do the drugs and didn’t really care, but the amount of humility I felt is what I’m trying to identify with here. My words had completely failed me. Why didn’t I joke with him, “No thanks, you don’t have enough” or say, “No dude, I’m a recovering alcoholic.”? Why did I feel so awkward and where were my words?? I had so much going on inside, I failed at simple communication. Why did I freeze? Wtf?!
My friend did nothing wrong. He was drunk, but he wasn’t belligerent. A little dense, but that comes with drinking booze. Trust me, I know. I’m 35 years old, so I’m quite capable of acting like a responsible, confident adult. Why did I feel like crawling into a hole?
I’m confused by the way I’ve reacted because most of the time I cannot wait to tell or remind people of the fact that I am a recovering alcoholic. I’m so damn proud of myself. And I love opening doors, increasing awareness and finding others like me. Apparently, there are other times when I act like a timid, insecure schoolgirl. None of my resulting internal turmoil has had anything to do with my friend, who was mortified and apologetic as hell, by the way. But, my resounding question is, what the hell happened to me?
I guess I thought I had it all figured out. I guess I thought I had rehearsed enough responses to potential scenarios. Apparently, I was wrong.
Is this a simple thing, or totally complex? Why am I such a freak? Am I that insecure? Is it my social anxiety? Why did I feel so harassed and offended? Why couldn’t I just take it in stride? Why has this been bothering me so much?
I don’t have a clue. And I don’t know where to look. My bewilderment has not subsided, as I had hoped would result from writing this.
I need your help.
First of all, don’t tell me I should see a counselor, I’m done interviewing and exhausting myself with them – I have the skills and resources to find my own way at this point. I think. Second, don’t tell me to go to AA. I have zero patience for listening to people going on and on about how their higher power saved them…where was it when they were half dead, slowly killing themselves and their relationships? I’m not meaning to totally bash “believers,” but I need to relate to rational people who are accountable to themselves and to society.
So here I am, reaching out, simply asking for someone to tell me they can relate to my experience and that I’m not completely off my rocker.
‘Tis the season to get shit-faced! The holidays – between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve in the US – can be one of the most dangerous times of the year for those of us who are trying to maintain sobriety. It can be a time of happiness and celebration, a time of pain and desperation or a little bit of both – all of which are equally good reasons to get drunk. This is also a time where drinking is not only more accepted, it almost seems to be expected. It’s hardly surprising that so many people indulge in seasonal binge-drinking. Throw us sober folks into the mix and it’s a perfect storm.
The good stuff
This time of year makes me feel warm and fuzzy for so many reasons – the warmth I feel from within, the twinkling lights that surround me, the gratefulness I feel toward the people who touch my heart and the giving-ness I feel toward complete strangers – that’s powerful stuff! Every time I hear the song, O holy night, I get serious goose bumps and a feeling I can’t quite explain – and I’m a “non-believer!” My point is, for many reasons this season tends to make the world around us seem a bit brighter, warmer, more magical, giving, and hopeful.
The other stuff
For many of us, this isn’t necessarily a happy-go-lucky time of year. It’s a time to reflect on our lives and what’s missing from them – lost loves, lost money, lost dreams.
If you’re anything like me though, you may tend to get depressed no matter how wonderful life may be. I do believe that you can’t truly know one extreme without the other; stars can’t shine without the darkness. I’ve been low. I’ve experienced devastating losses. I’ve been lonely, scared, dark and broken. I’m grateful for those experiences now because I’d never known joy could be so peaceful, passionate, warm, uplifting and all-encompassing. Having said that, often when I’m in those moments of joy, I’m suddenly reminded of the people I’ve lost, with whom I’d love to share those moments. The awareness of those losses is the ickiest part for me.
Also at the tip of our minds may be money, or lack thereof – this is the time of giving. There’s so much pressure on us to buy shit, it’s ridiculous.
It’s easy to lose hope without a supportive family and/or environment. A bad attitude will bring you down, too. Isolation is a common theme for many of us sober folks and this time of year it seems to have a magnetic effect. I am so happy to report that MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS SOBER! How awesome is that?! (My husband and mom don’t count, as they can have just one or two drinks and call it a day – non-alcoholic freaks!) I feel such a tight bond with my dad and my brother, especially this year. Even my sister-in-law is sober! We are not only family, but it feels like we are part of an elite club. A club so many won’t ever understand and that so many could only imagine having the balls to join. If you’re in our club, you know what I mean and you should be damn proud of yourself.
Just don’t do it
Succumb to these seasonal feelings of darkness – isolation, pressure, loss – and you’re lurking in the danger zone. But would the world really end if you had just one? Sometimes I entertain the idea of having just one White Russian to honor my grandma’s memory. She too, was a boozer after all. And we sure do have good memories from our drinking days, don’t we? That general feeling of togetherness is what I miss the most. But we must remember where it ultimately led us – one drink and we’d be there, only worse this time. It’d be the end of life as we know it. At least that’s how I see it.
Please consider the following advice to help keep your hard-earned sobriety intact throughout the remainder of this season:
Focus on your health. Get enough sleep, eat well and relax.
Remember, you’re not alone. Don’t isolate yourself with the hopes of staying sober – loneliness is a HUGE trigger. Reach out if you need the help. If you’re worried about your pride or looking like a pussy, it’s too late – you’re already an alcoholic, so just get over it. Must. Stay. Sober.
Let the pressure go. Do what you can and want to do. Set aside an evening to shop online instead of venturing out into the madness; Amazon rocks. Leave the cookie making to someone else this year. Don’t make that grueling 5 hour drive just to see people you’d rather see on Skype. Making others happy is certainly one thing, but when you’re compromising your own happiness, it’s just not worth it. Do something different. Or don’t do anything at all. Just let it go and do your own thing this year.
Keep your distance from any annoying relatives, if you can. If you can’t, just be grateful there’s no chance you’ll get wasted and try to beat their face in or tell them how you really feel. Don’t let their idiocy ruin your cool, sober vibe.
Plan ahead. Don’t get into those situations that you can avoid, but if you have to go to an office party, for instance, have an escape route. Or go late and leave early, no one notices or cares how long you’re there.
Make it count. If you’re like me, a bit of an anxious introvert, and you’re feeling nervous or awkward about attending an event, just don’t go. It’s better to be sober and at home, than to be uncomfortable, on-edge and potentially tempted. Only you can protect your sobriety.
Remember – No one cares if you’re drinking or not. If they DO care, they’re obviously retarded and you can feel free to junk punch them. Screw what people think about you – you get to decide who matters.
Believe – It’s not what’s in the glass that’s important; it’s what’s in your heart.
Realize – Taking one drink is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. It will cost you everything, my friend.
Remind yourself and be very proud of just how far you’ve come. Your sobriety is everything! You are worth it.
Happy holidays my sober friends. May you stay strong and sober this holiday season and be reminded of just how amazing and special you truly are. 2013 and its abundance of opportunities and challenges is quickly approaching!
A special note to my friends who DO drink, please Please PLEASE remember the following:
Plan ahead – designate a sober driver THAT YOU CAN TRUST
Buzzed driving is drunk driving and you know I’m right, so just nutt up and leave your stupid car while you take a cab home. Choose inconvenience over jail or death. You started it anyway, by either being unprepared or by being a lush, you jackass.
Don’t EVER tell me how proud of me you are when you’ve been drinking…it makes me want to poke your eyes out and dropkick your head…just had to throw that one out there…