Surviving a shitty day in sobriety

Yesterday was a shitty day. The kind that will surely stick in my memory for the rest of my life. The details don’t matter – everyone has their own problems. All I want to say is that I made it through a gutting and painful day without taking a drink – and if I can do it anyone can. This girl so desperately wanted a drink – 5 or 6 glasses of wine, actually. I even caught myself licking my lips, fantasizing about that first full-bodied grapey gulp. I imagined that pre-passed-out drunken state of nothingness…and I desperately wanted to be there. To feel my body and brain let go in that old familiar, reckless way that only alcohol could sufficiently lend. I intensely craved that feeling from my long-lost steady friend.

While I have some of the right tools in my belt, I also have many important reasons for not drinking, but the “fuck it” voice in my head wanted to raise some serious hell. I obsessed about booze so profusely I began to shame myself. Somehow through the dark my heart overruled my brain and for that I am grateful. I’m grateful I’m not nursing a hangover and regret while I deal with how shitty I still feel.

Moral of the story is that when life gets shitty you don’t have to relapse. Take care of yourself as best you can and just don’t drink today. Just don’t drink. If you can get sober you can stay sober. Hard times always pass. Feel your heart beating and hear its truth. “If light is in your heart you will find your way home”.

Your sobriety is that light and it will always take you home.

 

 

 

Thanks,

Chrystal

 

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3 Responses to Surviving a shitty day in sobriety

  1. Thank you so much for your honesty.

    I can certainly relate to the desire to escape. I am not so sure that for me it would matter if it was food or alcohol, physical encounters, or self-destructive behaviors. The desire to find a distraction happens when I am feeling distressed and want to change the way I feel.

    For nearly the first ten years I was sober I was obsessed with ending my life. I was overcome with intense feelings of self-hatred and thinking about the ways in which I experienced violence and pain in my life, coupled with being the recipient of years of incest perpetrated by my mother left me feeling like the world had nothing left for me. I think I saw suicide as a coping mechanism: I reasoned that if my life sucked I could end it. No matter what happened in my life, thinking of ending my life remained my coping mechanism. I came to realize that I was in love with death.

    It seems that this November you will celebrate 11 years of sobriety. In June I celebrated 37 years. I suspect that like me, perhaps the greatest tool available to you is knowing that the intensity of your feelings will diminish and you’ll feel better. After staying sober for some time I have come to realize that my recovery is the single most important thing in my life, and that anything jeopardizes my sobriety it’s eliminated.

    I have read your blog for some time and I am glad that you have found a way to continue to remain chemical free. Whatever you decide to do,,,,good luck on your path.

    Todd

  2. Bryce Warden says:

    I’m glad you stuck it out. I have had some horrendous days sober. I never did believe that saying “My worst day sober is better than my best day drunk.” I have had some truly shitty days sober….but so has everyone, so what. In the end I don’t drink because being sober is easier than being drunk….sobriety is actually the path of least resistance and that appeals to the lazy part of me. I say it tongue in cheek but it is true. Can’t imagine how different my life would be if I didn’t make a decision to not drink all those days ago.

  3. New reader here. Not sure if you read Game of Thrones but there’s a passage there I loved:

    “Bran thought about it. ‘Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?’ ‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.”

    Reminded me of your post – you were especially stronger today, because you persevered through the shittiness.

    You should be immensely proud.

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